Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
