5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
