you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
