Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
