Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
