Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
