its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
