Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
