My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
