I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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