now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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