I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
