All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
