Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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