I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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