I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Swine flu. Run for my life!
handjob tips. give me some.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize