if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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