I wish I only lived at night.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
