im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
