Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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