nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
