Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Btw I puked in your glovebox
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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