you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
