youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
