Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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