im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
