is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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