i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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