Sry I called you an 8
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
