I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
