Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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