Plan B is the new Plan A
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
