How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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