fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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