Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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