and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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