Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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