I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
