whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
