They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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