I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
