My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
