i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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