Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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