Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
