Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
