I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
