so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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