when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
