He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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