my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
