I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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