Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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