First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
