I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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