How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
