Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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