I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize