She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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