I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
