forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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